A Roller Coaster Of A Ride

It has been a month since our last post. There has been so much going on that I just haven’t had a clear mind to sit down and journal what has been happening. Our life feels like a living roller coaster. Sometimes, our hands are in the air and we are enjoying the ride and other times, we are death griping the handle bars praying that this part of the ride will be over soon. This last month, we have been death griping the bars…

We are not sure if it’s all transgender issues that we are dealing with. It’s most likely a combination of this plus the tween angst and hormones. Things just haven’t been easy for our son. His mind can really take a hold of him and he can quickly spiral down the depths of the vicious roller coaster. A few weeks ago, we were dealing with feelings of rather being dead than alive. As a parent, that is devastating to hear. I (mom) have never felt so low that I thought of suicide, but I know others that I love dearly have and I try to come to terms with understanding what that must feel like. But, until you have walked in those shoes, I don’t think you could ever really, truly understand the pain and suffering of someone who has suicidal thoughts. We quickly kicked into high gear, called all the therapists and doctors, had long discussions with our son and made some adjustments to the medication he is on. We are now easing off of our death grip, but still constantly monitoring him.

We found a new therapist that he really connected to better than his last one. He is excited to start building a relationship with her and I think they will be a natural fit. This has helped him tremendously. He came out of his first session with her and described her to me as “The female Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.” When I asked what the heck that meant, he told me “she gives the best speeches.” I asked what kind of speeches she was giving in there and to paraphrase what was said to me was that she told our son all you need is an ounce of hope, if you can hold onto that ounce during the darkness, you will make it to a better day and that it will get better, so long as you never give up that last ounce of hope. My heart felt warm when he told me that and together we discussed how powerful that is and to always hold onto that ounce of hope and know that when things get bad, they will always get better….so long as you never forget about that ounce and – never give up on yourself.

We are struggling with getting our insurance to approve the hormone blockers that we desperately need. This is where I have been mentally exhausted from it all. The phone calls talking to incompetent people who know nothing about transgender care have sent me into a downward spiral of F bombs. My sailor mouth has kicked in one too many phone calls and or emails that have transpired over the last month. I am begging these people to just approve the procedure that my son desperately needs to keep him from wanting to end his life and all I get is denials and go file an appeal and the appeals department telling me it does not qualify for an expedited appeal because there is insufficient proof that not having this procedure has an “imminent and serious threat to the health of the patient”. WTF are they talking about!?!?!?! This seriously is making me lose my ever living F’ing mind. See – there’s that sailor mouth again…Ugh…I have cried more tears of frustration and sadness this last month trying to handle this part of the roller coaster ride that I am exhausted. But, I will hold onto one ounce of hope that it will all get sorted out and hopefully sooner rather than later…

So, for now, we will continue this roller coaster ride of “life” and hold tightly to our ounce of hope when things are difficult and know that soon, we will be able to throw our hands in the air again and enjoy the ride…however temporary that moment might be, we will take it.

♥︎ Just Parents